Huh, who would guessed? I found out I am not lactose intolerant. I am actually anything-that-is-hard-to-digest intolerant. I popped a jelly bean in my mouth right after Easter and apparently those things are made from plaster, small rocks and glue because I was in pain for 2 days. Things really high in fats, heavy meats, high sugar items and anything with the word gummy in it are no-nos for me now. Believe it or not one thing I found that really helps me is that Activia yogurt stuff. You know, the stuff that you can't help but sing their little jingle every time you says its name. Try it, it's kinda fun.  "Ac ti vee aaahhhh"   OK so maybe its just me. Just stop snickering OK?

I had a lovely mothers day weekend complete with the requisite homemade tissue flowers and other such wonderful treasures mommies love.  Cary gave me moola to go clothes shopping (I am pretty much swimming in my clothes now) and took me to see the new movie Thor with the boys on Saturday.

I even splurged and ate a piece of chocolate even after hubby reminded me I would be hurting later if I did. I am such a rebel. And yes, my tummy did later object strenuously to that bit of Mothers Day defiance. Oh but  it was worth it. 

I am just so happy to be here to enjoy that decadent no-no, drool over pretty fine eye candy at the movies while holding my hubby's hand, and snuggle with my boys. I wouldn't want to make this journey through the wilds of cancer again mind you, but these moments make everything I fought so hard for so worth it.

I have to be honest here people, as I am getting better and better, I am not writing as much on here. Truth be told ~ it is wonderfully mundane around my house right now and I am relishing each moment. Just everyday normal stuff like say... taking kids to school, volunteering at the book fair, helping kids with homework and therapies, making dinner, doing mountains of laundry, never quite getting caught up with the dishes or folding clothes. That kind of thing.

If I could have known than even 18 months ago I would catch myself in the middle of doing said chores and suddenly feel like I just had to stop and thank God in a silent but fervent prayer for being able to do them, I would have been stunned to silence. And believe me, that is hard to do. The stunned silence thing not the laundry. The laundry is pretty easy ever since all the boys have passed that stage of putting bugs and worms into their pockets and I didn't find them until their dead carcasses floated up to the top of the washer.

Oh I still have those  eye-twitching-plastered-on-grin-through-the-teeth-cause-if-I-don't-I-am-afraid-I-might-beat-my-children nights where I swear they are testing the hypothesis that even the most loving mommies can go loony if said experimenting kids whine enough. But afterwords, when all the threats of bodily harm have subsided and they have fallen into that angelic sleep moms love to just look at and get all weepy, I remember to say those prayers, thanking Him for the blessings of raising these wonderful little hellions spirits and I remember how very much my soul loves my beautiful children.

And then there are those mornings I wake up and just lay in my bed enjoying the fact that I don't hurt and I thank Him again. I will repeat that in case you missed that... I DON'T HURT. HOW COOL IS THAT????

I have even stopped the free for all weight loss! I will probably loose a few more pounds but on purpose this time.

SO all in all, life is good. Nathan is excited about a real robot his teacher let him bring home, he is saving his money and buying the pieces bit by bit to make one himself (he already has 4 servos on order and that about used up every penny the kid had saved). Daniel is formulating his science project, getting ready to subject Venus Fly Traps to different radio frequencies.  Jonah's neck lump is still there, but it looks like we don't have to do surgery, thank the Lord.  And Ben made a "firebug" for a school project which promptly melted all over the bag he brought it to school in. He told me since it lived in a volcano and ate lava, melting was really OK, it was its camouflage. Cary made dinner tonight  (which is why I am here writing this instead fighting with my pots and pans).

I love the wonderfully mundane. And as I said, I thank God for it.

OK, I haven't written for an age, so I figured I would give you a multiple choice as to why. You get to choose. ( oooo that is so interactive, I feel so i-phone app-ish...)
a. I'm dead.
b. I have forgotten my password to this blog
c. I have been busy learning belly dancing moves to start my new career
d. life has been crazy hectic and I just haven't taken the time to do this

Did you choose? Cause I am really voting for c.
Really. Can I please vote for c?

* sigh*, oh all right you party poopers.

We all know which one you automatically assumed it was.  Either a. or d. and unless a zombie or an impersonator is sitting here typing this you logically have to go with d. Unless you are a fan of the x-files...

then you would go with c.

OK, as far as what has been going on. The kids and I went to the beach to see Grandma, I got so I couldn't swallow anything but liquids, Nathan is learning his times tables, I kept passing out because I couldn't get enough stupid calories in me, Daniel got grounded from his computer until he pulls his grades up, I had my balloon party/dilation with Dr Lo and got caught up on all the latest from his staff - WOO HOO and I can now swallow again and am bouncing back beautifully (after some unknown caused puking fit), Ben went on his field trip and ... Oh yeah, and Jonah scared the living  beejeebers out of us.

He woke up one morning with a goose egg on the side of his neck the size of a freaking apple. He wasn't sick, didn't have a fever, and other than just a little tenderness and a lump that looked like a weird case of one sided mumps, he was hunky dory. In taking him to the doctor, I expected antibiotics and a shoo out the door.After all, a swollen lymph node isn't THAT serious... right?

Now let me tell you all, the one thing you NEVER want to hear your kids doctor say is even the remotest possibility of the "c" word and your childs name together in the same sentence.

The world stops. you hear but you don't hear her explain that it could just be a bacterial infection from a recent teeth cleaning or that it might be Mono, or whatever.

You just hear that ever so slight chance of something so ugly, so insidious that all you want to do is yell and cry and scream and panic because of what you went through with all the chemo and radiation and pain and needles. And your heart nearly implodes with the terror of the idea that your childs name might be said in the same sentence as all those afore named horrors. Your hands clench and unclench and you realize that your mouth has bitten into your tounge and you can taste the blood.

But you keep it together because of your child. You go though all the tests with him, even having your own blood drawn at the same time he does so it won't be so scary for him. You hold his hand and you try to comfort him as he gets his 4th needle poke of the day.  All you want to do is break down, but you know you can't.

In the meantime, you have called the husband and he immediately gets to work getting on the internet finding all the best hospitals and doctors and treatments an tells you that we will get through this like we do every thing else, and maybe it is just one of the lesser diagnoses, but if it isn't we will handle this. He is a rock. But you know it is his protection mechanism. You know secretly he is terrified. But he is strong for you, like you are strong for your child. You wonder if he is tasting blood right now too.

You finally realize as your child is in the CAT scan, that you haven't eaten all day and you were only able to get 800 calories in the day before. You realize that because everything is starting to go black and all swimmy. You cling onto the scanner PRAYING to make it to the end of the scan so your child wont panic and move and have to redo the test. You make it. Barely. Then you get to lay on the cold floor while your baby asks why mommy is on the ground. Stupid of you not to have eaten. You determine grimly, that if, GOD and heaven forbid, that we have to do this again, you will pack an Ensure or Boost in your purse.

You don't sleep that night. At all. You are back in that doctors office at 7:30 a.m.. You get there even before the results make it back, so you sit there with your wonderfully oblivious child. He is only concerned if he will get more shots. Your heart is  bit more anxious. It seems like hours. Maybe it is.

This is where my story might differ from other mothers. Mine has a happy ending. The doctor came in smiling. An infected lymph node. The release was almost exhausting. And gratefully anticlimactic.


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I am watching Jonah sleep. He is sleeping in my bed tonight. I don't care I just want him near me. I realize I need sleep too.  I will sleep tonight. After I silently sob my relief as I watch his slumbering face.

I am so grateful for anticlimaxes.

One good thing about fighting cancer, I finally lost all the baby weight... I am 2 pounds away from what I weighed when I married my sweetheart 12 lifetimes and yesterday ago!  But I am no spring chicken anymore, and loosing all that weight, especially so fast has caused a bit more "saggage" than I would like. Remember that as I tell you what my children and I discussed over the weekend.

As some of you may know, 3 of my 4 kids have had speech issues and we have been doing speech therapy with them from since they were tiny. Well during one of these sessions with me, I was trying to get them to talk about "If you could have any super power in the world, what would it be?" I started it by saying I would like super speed so I could get all my chores done so I could go play. Oh they loved that one and I grinned huge as they all went nuts exploring their wildest imaginations. Super strength, invisibility (so they could raid the cookies before dinner without getting caught), shape shifting, you name it, they discussed it. It was wonderful.

Then they almost simultaneously were excited to tell me that super speed would not be a good super power for me. Flying would be much better. I was confused and asked them why. "Because Mom," they said as they lifted up my saggy arms, "You already have the wings!".  *deep sigh* Well, I kinda did see their point.

The raging debate now was all about what my superhero name would be. They couldn't call me "Bird-Mom".  Apparently I didn't have enough feathers to qualify. They came up with my superhero mantra together and introduced it to me by singing,  "Na Na Na Na Na Na NA NA ...BAT- MOM!"

 *crickets chirping* Wow kids. Thaaanks.

 Back to today:

Today Bat-Mom's gotta go do dishes and laundry and too many chores to count ... I am SO feeling gypped at that no super speed thing ...

Meeeee........

some OTHER lucky mom that is NOT me.

Well, I have been doing really well as of late, trying to get my house back under control (Its amazing what can happen if you are out of it for a year!) and just generally enjoying life. I have even debated about getting two matching belly button rings wherein my bonus daughter Carly suggested that I hook them together with a chain. Hubby said "EWWW!!!!!"and I just giggled evilly.

That was last week. This week Cary and I are a teensy bit worried. Not a bunch, just a tad. Scar tissue is building again and I am back on a soft foods diet (NO salad again dang it!) and am quickly heading to an all liquid one. That was fine and dandy when I had Dolores, I could just make up my extra calories via the tube. Before my surgery I had a bigger stomach and could keep my calories where I needed them just by volume. Now my tummy is basically a straw to my intestines and I don't have Dolores. I have NO reserves, so when I don't get enough calories I am wiped to say the least. I am fighting hard to keep them up and got to 1300 yesterday but only made 900 the day before. I tried to keep my energy up by drinking an energy drink, but that made it worse when I "crashed". Yes I am loosing weight, but I would NOT recommend the diet plan.

I lost about 36 pounds from June to now and could even loose about 30 more before I am in serious trouble,  But I would prefer to loose the weight on MY terms thank you very much.

I have a dilation scheduled for as soon as Dr. Lo can do it which isn't until March, but I am on the cancellation list just in case (if a person cancels, I can claim their spot).

Sigh, at least I don't have cancer anymore ...  *singing the old Monty Python tune "Always Loook on the Briiiight side of Life...fade out...

I have two belly buttons now. Just thought I would share...

Dolores has been evicted! No mooree feeeeeding tuuuuube... (that was me singing...) .

I am eating normally, and since Dr. Soukiasian didn't cut my pyloric valve ( injected it with botox thingy ~ remember?) I am having NO acid reflux unless I do something stupid like eat something really spicy or chocolaty. Since I can control that, I am good! I am loving the fact that I have no doctors in my life!  (no offense to all the wonderful medical staff  that has so amazingly saved my life).   A PET scan every six months AND that is it!!!! I do have to keep an eye on my swallowing abilities (when I put it like that it sounds like a super power doesn't it ~) and if that is ever compromised  I need to go in for another balloon party dilatation. But those are old hat by now.  

I am having a bit of drainage at the site of the eviction, but Dr. Soukiasian said that is pretty normal. I think it is making me a bit blah, but I am staying on top of this time and if anything seems "off" I am to call the doctor immediately.

As per my sister I am supposed to be a hypochondriac from now on.  *whispering out the side of my mouth* yeah, THAT'll happen.... Um ....  I mean suuuure sis , just for you, I will.

Ok, why did I JUST find out that 4 x 4 s or 3 x 3 gauze squares and medical tape is cheaper to buy from tattoo places?! Especially online suppliers for tattoo parlors.

Now that I don't need them after Tuesday. The tape and the gauze, not the tattoos. The tattoos you just never know...





*whispering*
The final plan for Dolores extermination is set for the day after Monday. Don't tell her mmK? Thanks, I don't want to risk her mounting a counter attack. I'll let you know how it goes. Wish me luck, we're goin' in...

I have to say, having kids is wonderful. And not just because they say hilarious things to make you giggle when nobody is looking. They are good for you even when you don't KNOW they are good foor you.

Case and point: Remember that tummy bug I had right before I started bad mouthing Dolores and her fashion choices? Well, it wasn't a tummy bug. Dolores decided to shift around a bit too much and started leaking the contents of my small intestine into my body cavity. Eww BTW. Dolores is just gross. I am warning you. At this point, stop if you cannot handle nasty stories or if you haven't quite finished that danish.

My tummy region was getting more and more painful until yesterday it hurt even to take a step. Did I go to the doctor like a sane person would? Of course not. I figured I could handle it and I really didn't have the time or money to go traipsing off to the ER every time I had an ache or a pain. Let's face it, if I did that, I would be there all the time and I would REALLY get on the nerves of the triage nurses, not to mention hubby's work with all the emergency time off he has had to take.

So there I was, hurting, but stalwart, helping Nathan with his homework. Now you gotta understand, times tables are hard for an 8 year old, so when he got 100 % on a quiz I just gave him He got REALLY excited. In his victory dance, he accidentally bumped my tummy. It wasn't a hard bump, kinda more like a nudge, but it was enough to make the room do this weird little dance and turn kinda funky dark for a second. Once I was able to get the pain under control, I realized I was "gushing" (Final warning here people, those of you with weak constitutions exit the theater to your right). His nudge had popped the "sac" of crap  (literally) that was building up just under the surface. I will spare you the details from here. (even I have my limits of grossness). It drained for the rest of the day and don't worry, I called the doctor to see if it was something I needed to worry about. I was told, nope, as long as I don't have any more major pain, it stops draining after about 24 hours and don't get a fever I would be fine.

Oh and I couldn't use Dolores anymore until I could be seen (I don't really need her anyway so pbbbthhh). All they would do is take an xray with contrast to make sure she wiggled back into place, but since I am not really using the tube feed anymore anyway, I don't see the point (I really don't learn do I).

Nathan felt awful. It took me a long time to explain to him that he actually HELPED me and I was really alright. I could see in his eyes he didn't really believe me, so I made sure I let him crawl up on my lap for reading time that night to snuggle with only him while I read to him in my big recliner. I think that helped, but I traumatized my poor kid. I hope someday he will realize how wonderful he is and that he saved his momma from a whole heck of a lot more yucky stuff and that I think that having kids to save you from infection and gut leakage is A.mazing.

Guess what!? I got word that Dolores is in her final days baby!  I am keeping my calories high enough that I can stop the tube feeding!

Sort of.

I kinda got a tummy bug, so I gotta go back on for a day or two, but then, *evil chuckle* we can continue with our nefarious plans to rid our household of this abhorrent, deplorable, dis-likable, ill-favored, intolerable, invidious, loathsome, lousy, noxious, obnoxious, offensive, opprobrious, regrettable, reprehensible, repugnant, repulsive, revolting, unacceptable, undesirable, unpalatable, unsatisfactory, unseemly, unsuitable, unwanted, and unwelcome visitor that has abused, offended, abased, affronted, aggravated, annoyed, blistered, debased, dishonored, disobliged, dumped, flouted, injured, irritated, jeered, mocked, outraged, provoked, reviled, ridiculed, roasted, scoffed, slammed, sneered, snubbed, teased, underestimated,and vexed said household.

I thought I would include a nice sterile pic of Dolores relatives before she leaves...Don't worry, I'm not gonna post nasty pic of my belly...

Dolores's cousin is the pink one on the left. Dolores is a bit longer as this her pediatric cousin, Infantem's Dolore Asinum

Dolores has to have a valve hat.  She had 3 different orange trimmed ones, but in her latest foray into the ER they let her try on the one pictured here and there was no going back. She likes it better, but is so picky that if it isn't on just right she still spits on me!  She is SO demanding...

Ok, Ok, so maybe she wasn't ALL bad...

She DID feed me for 8 months.

Ya gotta understand, it is sorta a love/hate relationship...
very twisted...