Quick update

I haven't written for some time, but just wanted to give a quick update.

#1 I am doing really really well. I am back to the no pain thing, although I am having nightmares about wrecking any car I drive.

#2 Insurance is covering the car completely. SO relieved about that because we didn't have gap insurance. Hubby just picked a car that held it's value, thank heaven.

#3 Bub's sister, Cary's sweet aunt, has cancer. (* REALLY hating the C word right now...*)

Art by Pam Martin submitted to the Tabula Rosa Vanderbilt School of Medicine 5/20/2010

update: *deep sigh* Apparently our luck is contagious.

While Bub has been here to help us, his sister (Cary's aunt) ruptured her colon (she is in surgery even as I write this)  and his mother (Cary's grandmother) developed a huge blood clot in her hand from an arm she broke that hasn't healed yet. He can't go home yet because his truck is still having it's transmission rebuilt.

I am just sitting here a little dazed at by all of this. (warning: obvious understatement ahead). 2010 has been a bit of an uphill climb for our family...

Dear Janet, 

Still another of my dear friend diagnosed with cancer. You. That just sucks. You have 3 little ones. My heart is hurting for what I know lies ahead for both you and your family. Speaking from experience, I know you worry about your kids as you all go to hell and back. I really don't mean to scare you, it is just the way it is. Make sure you pack marshmallows if you get too close to those flames, then laugh in Beelzebub's face as you make s'mores.

You will beat this. Hey if  I ~ who was the biggest wimp in the county~ could do it, then you, Super-Mom, can! I will be there for you ~ holding your hand, listening as you need an ear, that kind of stuff~ you can bet on that, but I also plan to do as much as I can for your kids.  I may not be able to tend them since they are so young, and I don't have all my strength back yet, but there are a bunch of things I CAN do.  One thing I can handle is to pass the buck delegate. I can let other people know what is helpful to children who have a parent with cancer. And not just in the beginning. Everyone wants to help in the beginning.  This is a "long haul load" baby.

I am re-posting a PDF but it is also on my side bar as well.  It is a great bunch of suggestions. I am also asking everyone I know, "PLEASE ~ if you know someone with kids who is battling this terrible disease, take time to read this.

Some of the kind things done for me AND my kids were:

When Miss Haley took my boys to the park so much. She rode bikes with them and got them to laugh. Carly Sue made them giggle with the green milk and cupcakes that tricky little leprechaun left on St Patty's day. She put frosting on their noses and made special treats for their lunches. Aaron made them laugh until they nearly peed themselves when he would wrestle and tickle them. All three of those wonderful people made sure the routine of everyday life stayed the same. And for kids struggling with autism, that was HUGE.

My mother in law came down and took the kids to the pumpkin patch, bought them Halloween costumes and just generally spoiled them rotten! They LOVED it.  One sweet friend, among other things, took my kids out to pizza,  gave them an Easter egg hunt, and let them come over to her house to pick out the "good" cereal off her pantry shelves. Another friend took all my kids and gave them haircuts.  Many friends have stepped forward to pick up kids from school, and when emergencies rear their ugly heads, have even let the kids have a "sleep over". And on a school night!

My father in law dropped everything to come help with the kids and the house, not once but twice.  My sister lives far away, but sends "care packages" for the kids. One of the last ones she sent had Halloween tattoos in it and the kids had a WILD time just out of the tub one night covering almost every inch of their bodies in thin plastic imaging induced madness! I was less stressed because I knew they were having fun, and the boys knew it was really ok to laugh.

In this life, I know a parents first worry is their kids.  If they are happy and well cared for, then we sickos can concentrate on the business of getting better.  It doesn't mean it will be easy, for the parent OR the kid. But it makes it all do-able. There are some things on that list that are completely free. Some things take an afternoon.  And the "helper" gets the added bonus of being added to a bank of good memories the child is building! And the gratitude they receive from the parent is immeasurable.

For all those who allowed me that privilege, I will be forever grateful and take every occasion I can to  thank them from the bottom of my heart. I feel immensely blessed that my family and I have such a strong support system.

May you, my dear Janet, feel the same love and peace knowing your kids are well and cared for as you begin this nasty battle.

May I be part of your support system.

All my love,
Me

Questions for the Universe

First off, Cary and I would like to ask the Universe a few questions. A-hem....

#1 Did we open a cursed mummy tomb in a past life? If so when and where did we actually pee on the sarcophagus? I'm just sayin'....'cause just opening it really doesn't seem all that bad.

#2 Did we dig up some ancient Indian burial grounds to plant a Chuck-E-Cheese on the spot? Cause if we did, we will GIVE you the extra tokens...

#3 Did we by chance, steal cursed Aztec gold? And if we did, where did we hide it? ... 'Cause we could sure use some of it right now.

*Sigh* That will about do it for now. Please get back to me on that A.S.A.P. O.K? Specially 'bout that gold part... mmm K? Thanks Universe...

All-righty then, back to talking to the universes' inhabitants... Oooo when I put it like that it kinda makes us all sound like fleas....  ( there is that random and convoluted thought pattern I keep trying to warn you about...)

So, bet you fleas inhabitants were wondering what all this was about huh? Wellllll...... Here goes.

First off let me say I am grateful for the blessing of being alive and that Bubs truck didn't break down in the middle of the desert....

"Whoa", you say, "that came outta left field.".... Let me back up a bit.

Flash back fade in....

About 6 months ago, hubby got the first brand new car he has ever purchased in his life. I am talking ~ 16 miles on it when he picked it up from the dealer. He loves that thing. I named it Daisy because I needed to label my husbands "other woman". I was a bit apprehensive when he first brought her home, but there were NO jealousy issues I swear...

Befoooorrre....

I got used to the polygamous life style quite quickly and thought how lucky I was that at least my hubby didn't sport really bad hair or make me bawl all the time (TLC show called Sister Wives - look it up - or don't - it's pretty disturbing... but back to the point)

Sister Wives and the dude with really bad hair

So, Tuesday morning I just dropped off the kids to school, except Ben, who was still home sick with pneumonia. I don't exactly remember much but the nice policey-man said I made a left in front of oncoming traffic. He didn't give me a ticket  - yet -  because he was still "investigating". He said the other car looked to have been going about 55 or 60 mph when it struck me and the skid marks were "longer than they should have been". Read: he was driving faster than a bat out of - well, you know...

It was still my fault.... I .... I .... I killed Daisy!!!!

......Annnndddd after

Well, I guess I had enough where-with-all to ask some dude to call my husband and hand him my phone. Cary bundled poor little Ben in the car and rushed to where the accident happened.  I think he said he got there even before they got me out of the car. A nice lady at the scene told my hubby that I kept repeating how how hard my sweetheart had worked for this car and I RUINED it.

They bundled me off in in an ambulance and poor Cary was left wondering what to do with Ben and how he was going to coordinate everything. Luckily we have some pretty awesome friends that stepped up. My sweet friend Stephanie took Ben and the ward took care of the rest.

Cary came to the hospital after that, and it was only then he found out I was really O.K..  I think I saw him physically buckle at that point. My poor sweetheart had been told I had hurt my neck and couldn't feel my toes (not true. actual events: seat belt had rubbed the tender scar on my neck and the metal gas pedal had torn my toe a bit) .

I think it was this incident that cemented in my brain that the local doctors are terrified of me.

"She had her WHAT removed???!!"

They again refused to stitch back in the feeding tube (bummer that all but one of those beautiful stitches Dr. Lo put in ripped out...) AND they kept saying things like, "Wait, where is her stomach again? Make sure you confirm that with her history...". Stuff like that. Kinda a dead give-away...mmmm maybe I AM an alien!!!!

They did a full CAT scan from the tip of my head to my pelvis and to tell you the honest truth, I am just bruised and stiff, but I broke no bones and did no permanent damage, thank the Lord. They sent me home after just a few hours.

I did bonk my bean pretty good and got some good bit of nausea and headache from it, but Cary was vigilant about making sure he woke me about every 20 minutes or so. All night long.

Cary's dad Bub insisted on coming up from Vernal to help ~ which to tell you the truth, I am more than a little grateful for. I didn't think I would be quite this laid up! I am pretty sore, but after what I've been through, I  think I would be a bit tougher than this! ( it's the big boob syndrome coming through again....)

Oh, and after Cary brought me home, he was in a rush to get pain meds for me, and got a ticket (rolling stop at a stop sign, not speeding I should add... ) on the way home from the drug store.

We gotta have another sit down with that Universe ....

AND about 5 miles from our house, Bub's truck blew it's transmission.

O.K,   THAT . is . IT!  ~~~ Universe needs a time out....


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ben is sick. It wears me out faster than my old self to have a sick little one to stay up with. pretty pooped right now, but wanted to pass on a link I thought was a worthy cause.

http://www.starkravingmadmommy.com/2010/11/what-to-do-with-leftover-candy.html

gonna go sleep now cause my little guy is finally down. for now.

I felt awesome today. A bit tired by the end of the day, but another day with NO owies.  How cool is that?! If this keeps up, I will be back to my old self in no time. Except hopefully skinnier.

Only I really would NOT recommend the diet plan. Or the "involuntary lap band" as my hubby calls my esophagectomy.

Favorite quote from Halloween, but first some back story...

Jonah will not eat anything he is not familiar with without a big ordeal of doing the whole "thank you bite" thing, and even then it is a big deal. Most moms are Totally. Familiar. with the thank you bite, but for those of you who aren't, it is basically a statement that says if mom went to the trouble of making you food the least you can do is take a bite to say thank you.  And if that doesn't work, we go to the no dessert thing. Except I haven't made dessert in a dogs age, so that really doesn't work unless we've got something to back it up.

These are great ways to get kids rooted in hating ANY type of  change to try something they might like. Obedience by guilt and bribery.  Works for me.

Anywhoo, Last night the kids went to the church's trunk or treat (like trick or treating, but people give out candy from the trunks of their decorated cars). I wasn't gonna INSIST my kid get more cavities, so I did not object when Jonah gave his dad all the candy he had not seen or tasted before.

Cary grinningly commented: "Sometimes I like autism."

Just an administrative apology to those who get email updates when I post. Um, I am kinda new to this blogging thing. I am definitely one of those that go kicking and screaming into new technology, but once I'm there I love it. To make a long story short, I have been editing and updating everything from adding or removing punctuation to ~~~~ wait for it~~~~ I JUST FIGURES OUT HOW TO USE LABELS!!! 

Buuuuutttttt, what that means is every time I hit update, you would get another thing in your mailbox to annoy the crap out of you.  so. sorry.

I now have learned how to do a lot of this from , imagine this, the blog management page.  ummmm again, I. am. sorry. bout that.

LOOK OVER THERE!!!    ==========>

The great news is that I am bouncing back pretty good right now. I am feeling the best I have in a long time!!!!! (today)  I have el-zippo zero pain, so that is excellent and the new stitches Dr. Lo put in are holding great. Not to mention he put more of them this time and so far only one has torn through. Not too bad odds I might add.

AND I cleaned my house !!!! OK, just the downstairs, and I didn't mop, but Hey! I cleaned my house!!!! (this statement deserves the extra exclamation points and rotten sentence structure)  Cary even got in the swing of things and shampooed the carpet.

AND I -yes I - cleaned out my fridge!  I asked hubby when the last time he cleaned it out was and he said ~~~~ well ~~~~~~~ maybe it's best just to leave what he said to your imagination. I will only reveal that I think I saw something run for cover behind what I assumed was old feta cheese.

The only bummer part is that I am on a completely liquid diet until my next procedure which is scheduled for 2 days before Thanksgiving. Kinda sucky, but if it increases the chances of this third balloon animal adventure being successful, I'll be thrilllllled.  I am actually looking forward to eating a big salad. Weird huh. Especially since the hubby made the kids brownies tonight for movie night and I am smelling them. The REALLLYYYY weird part? I am happy just to smell them. I have absolutely no desire to eat 'em!

Most of you are now understandably concerned at this point and are starting to pull out your Alien Impostor Detection Kit, but I assure you, I am still me.  At least that is what I keep telling myself....

I really believe that the Good Lord is kind and has kept up the blessing of allowing me to think food is yucky right now. Except salad. I am really hungry for a good salad...

I Am The Humanoid Known As Stacey. Obey Me.

*sigh... it looks like MORE balloon animals are in my future. The dilation that was just  done was only marginally successful. The doctor was only able to get it about a half of a millimeter bigger. He took out more staples and stretched it as much as he dared, but he said it was starting to tear too much (read bleeding) so he stopped. He is the best at what he does, so I trust him, but oh man I am just a bit disappointed. I have the next one scheduled for the Tues before Thanksgiving, which means I will be on a clear liquids diet for said holiday. Apple juice anyone? :)

Right now I feel a bit gassy.... Now I know what a baby feels like when new parents insist it is not a smile ~ just gas ~ which if you think about it would explain A LOT of my pictures...

I am writing two posts today. This one is a bit different.

Look at this beautiful thing. 

It was entered into a contest sponsored by Nikon and won
11th place.

I hate it. I mean REALLY hate it. But I can't look away at the same time. It is a picture of 2 cancer cells getting ready to turn into 4.

What I WISH it was...  I wish it was a pic of some really cool (harmless) crystalline life form that only Spock could talk to. I wish there was no such thing except in some Trekkies wish list from an online auction he/she could never afford.

I am especially frustrated about this today because of a blog.  A blog I don't normally read, but the author of stark. raving. mad. mommy which is a blog I DO read and is in fact posted as one of my favorites, guest blogged.

This blogger (not SRMM ~  the Pajamas and Coffee one) swears a whole lot more than I do, so I keep it as a guilty little secret I visit when I think no one is looking. I read SRMM, on the other hand, all the time. She is my morning fix.  She doesn't know me from Adam. But I pretend to know her because I get her. And she is funnier than h-e- double toothpick. But today I wanted to punch a wall over something she wrote. Today she wrote about finding a lump in her breast. Yeah, it may be a cyst, but I remember that waiting. The wondering. That worry. I SO do not envy her in this stage.

I have listened, prayed, and cried as SO many wonderful people have been affected by this horrible disease. So many I love. Every time it brings back that horrid day when I first found out.

The doctor had told me I needed to come in as soon as possible about the results of all the testing I had been doing. It was SUCH a busy and hectic day, so I asked if my hubby should come in with me. They actually told me that it was my choice. This is the thought that ran through my brain.

"Well it must not be too bad, just heartburn crap and how to treat it, SO relieved it isn't anything serious...  soooo... I'll just add it to my list of stuff to get done today and let the hubby get his honey-do list done. Glad all that worrying crap is over."

BAD mistake. She sat me down in that freaking FREEZING examination room and basically told me I not only have cancer, but I have a kind I should never have. A kind that affects smokers, drinkers, and men over 65.  A particularly aggressive and nasty kind where the mortality rate hovers around 80 to 85 percent within the first year. I later found out those were the really overly optimistic numbers.

I think I kept it together until I got out to the parking lot. I sobbed, I mean really sobbed, for over an hour. Then I had to drive home. Alone. My husband stayed on the phone with me -and yes honey I did hear you swearing under your breath at the doctor for not INSISTING someone ANYONE come in with me - and I yes I heard you swearing at yourself for not going no matter what you stubborn wifey-poo said. And yes, I did swear at myself for not listening to you.  And yes I am grateful you were by my side at every major appointment after that and even most of the not so major ones.

On that long drive home ( it was really only about 10 miles, but it seemed more like 10 thousand), I dryly observed that my sobs sounded a lot like my deep belly laughs - only upside down. I think that was when I determined I was NOT going to let this monster beat me.

And I haven't. So far, with Gods help, I have defied all the odds, in fact I think I made my own odds up as I went. It made me happier. It's a good thing I didn't see the documentary Crazy Sexy Cancer BEFORE  did all my treatments, or the hubby might have seen some weird stuff going on.

As it ended up , yes I have pain in the butt crap  -like that rouge feeding tube- but nothing that is life threatening anymore. Once in awhile I do get scared about remission, but I can't let that rule my life. I go forward now,  grateful for every second, even the hard ones. Belly-aching, pain, annoyances - they all mean I am alive. And I will never take that for granted again.