I have to say, having kids is wonderful. And not just because they say hilarious things to make you giggle when nobody is looking. They are good for you even when you don't KNOW they are good foor you.

Case and point: Remember that tummy bug I had right before I started bad mouthing Dolores and her fashion choices? Well, it wasn't a tummy bug. Dolores decided to shift around a bit too much and started leaking the contents of my small intestine into my body cavity. Eww BTW. Dolores is just gross. I am warning you. At this point, stop if you cannot handle nasty stories or if you haven't quite finished that danish.

My tummy region was getting more and more painful until yesterday it hurt even to take a step. Did I go to the doctor like a sane person would? Of course not. I figured I could handle it and I really didn't have the time or money to go traipsing off to the ER every time I had an ache or a pain. Let's face it, if I did that, I would be there all the time and I would REALLY get on the nerves of the triage nurses, not to mention hubby's work with all the emergency time off he has had to take.

So there I was, hurting, but stalwart, helping Nathan with his homework. Now you gotta understand, times tables are hard for an 8 year old, so when he got 100 % on a quiz I just gave him He got REALLY excited. In his victory dance, he accidentally bumped my tummy. It wasn't a hard bump, kinda more like a nudge, but it was enough to make the room do this weird little dance and turn kinda funky dark for a second. Once I was able to get the pain under control, I realized I was "gushing" (Final warning here people, those of you with weak constitutions exit the theater to your right). His nudge had popped the "sac" of crap  (literally) that was building up just under the surface. I will spare you the details from here. (even I have my limits of grossness). It drained for the rest of the day and don't worry, I called the doctor to see if it was something I needed to worry about. I was told, nope, as long as I don't have any more major pain, it stops draining after about 24 hours and don't get a fever I would be fine.

Oh and I couldn't use Dolores anymore until I could be seen (I don't really need her anyway so pbbbthhh). All they would do is take an xray with contrast to make sure she wiggled back into place, but since I am not really using the tube feed anymore anyway, I don't see the point (I really don't learn do I).

Nathan felt awful. It took me a long time to explain to him that he actually HELPED me and I was really alright. I could see in his eyes he didn't really believe me, so I made sure I let him crawl up on my lap for reading time that night to snuggle with only him while I read to him in my big recliner. I think that helped, but I traumatized my poor kid. I hope someday he will realize how wonderful he is and that he saved his momma from a whole heck of a lot more yucky stuff and that I think that having kids to save you from infection and gut leakage is A.mazing.

Guess what!? I got word that Dolores is in her final days baby!  I am keeping my calories high enough that I can stop the tube feeding!

Sort of.

I kinda got a tummy bug, so I gotta go back on for a day or two, but then, *evil chuckle* we can continue with our nefarious plans to rid our household of this abhorrent, deplorable, dis-likable, ill-favored, intolerable, invidious, loathsome, lousy, noxious, obnoxious, offensive, opprobrious, regrettable, reprehensible, repugnant, repulsive, revolting, unacceptable, undesirable, unpalatable, unsatisfactory, unseemly, unsuitable, unwanted, and unwelcome visitor that has abused, offended, abased, affronted, aggravated, annoyed, blistered, debased, dishonored, disobliged, dumped, flouted, injured, irritated, jeered, mocked, outraged, provoked, reviled, ridiculed, roasted, scoffed, slammed, sneered, snubbed, teased, underestimated,and vexed said household.

I thought I would include a nice sterile pic of Dolores relatives before she leaves...Don't worry, I'm not gonna post nasty pic of my belly...

Dolores's cousin is the pink one on the left. Dolores is a bit longer as this her pediatric cousin, Infantem's Dolore Asinum

Dolores has to have a valve hat.  She had 3 different orange trimmed ones, but in her latest foray into the ER they let her try on the one pictured here and there was no going back. She likes it better, but is so picky that if it isn't on just right she still spits on me!  She is SO demanding...

Ok, Ok, so maybe she wasn't ALL bad...

She DID feed me for 8 months.

Ya gotta understand, it is sorta a love/hate relationship...
very twisted...

Isn't it amazing that the biggest problem we had the other day was that it rained when we were at Disneyland?!

Hey, it cut down on the crowds, and we had the fun of looking like smurfs!!!  Thank you Bub for an awesome Christmas present!

Benjamin Smurf

Jonah Smurf, AKA Sonic Smurf

Nathan Smurf

Daniel Smurf

Daddy thought being a smurf looked stupid, so he opted for the "I'm freezing my butt off and my jacket now is weighed down with 87 pounds of water" look...

Momma Smurf (AKA me) looking particularly goofy...

They loved the rain. And I love my boys...

See, it DID stop raining! Eventually.

Harmon "the Killer" Killebrew was one of my heroes growing up. Before I go on you HAVE to understand something about me.

1. Every doll I ever had was either bald from all the haircuts I gave or was a melted melded gob of plastic goo from being burned at the stake as I danced and hopped around in circles while yelling war whoops at the top of my lungs...
 
2. I knew how to argue baseball stats much better than I knew how to glob on nail polish (in fact I think I was 27 or so before I got the nail polish thing halfway right and I STILL think it is stupid)... 

3. I wanted to be Tarzan when I grew up...

( I think these are also the reasons why God gave me boys BTW)

But back to my point...

Killebrew played in the American League (baseball for all those football fans out there) and sported eight 40-homeruns seasons,  nine 100-RBI seasons and played in 11 all-star games back in the late 60s and early 70s. He retired with 573 home runs - more than Reggie Jackson or Micky Mantle.  He was definately a category 5 player and as a 7 year old with goofy teeth and a perpetually dirty face, I was in love with him.

My heart hurt today when I read that he has EC.

You can beat this, just like you beat the Yankees in the bottom of the 9th in '65!

 Well, I can swallow any darn thing I want now (excluding car parts or carpet remnants, but you know what I mean...) but the trick is to make sure I eat tiny meals all through the day. If I eat too much at one setting I actually get really uncomfortable. I also have learned that I really aught to drink liquids at a different time than a meal so my stomophagus doesn't get filled to quickly.  I also have trouble with high refined sugars or high fat items as it either gives me gas or makes my tummy hurt ( I am assuming because those items are harder to digest?). I just have to get used to a different lifestyle of eating. I really am OK with that, and to tell you the truth, it is a much healthier way to live anyway. I just have to figure this out and still get my calories I need in.

As far as how i am feeling these days, we have a trip to Disneyland  coming up so I must not be doing too bad! Thanks Bub, we are so happy with our Christmas present! I will post pics as soon as I get them. :)

BTW,  just for the record, I would totally win the "my scars are better than your scars" competition thingy guys love to do. Today I am posting pics to show just my bruises from the last balloon animal party.  I guess because of the Chemo I did, my veins are a mess. I am now what the nurses like to call a "hard stick". They like to roll around and go flat and when one is finally wrangled into submission, they like to imitate tires running over a spike strip. I am told it is because they have such thin walls now.  I took pics so I could show off before they fade completely. Which BTW is a wonderful thing that it is fading... both on my arm AND from memory...

When I went in for my last dilation I forgot to ask Dr. Lo to stitch Dolores back in. Dang it.  I think I will just give up on that one. She is still free as a bird.  Well sort of. I have learned how to do some major strength tape-age. First I bandage her, she does still drool quite a bit. I use paper tape to secure it as that is easier on my skin.  Then I loop thin strips of silk tape in a "support our troops" type ribbon, first one way then the opposite. Then I secure the ends of that and voila! It stays put. And without the bullet proofing! That was getting a little expensive as I need to change the dressing at least once or twice a day. Have you seen the cost of medical adhesive tape?! I should have taken out stock in 3M!

Also I am not as nervous about her popping out because now I know how to disinfect and just push that little Miss Priss right back into place (...teach her to mess with a momma!). Funny how perceptions change huh.

Anyway in talking with Jo Marie, (remember the Nurse Practitioner?) she has started talking about plans to get rid of Dolores completely (ooooh.... sounds a bit nefarious...)!  Right now my goal is too get my calories up to 1000 per day by mouth, then I can cut my tube feedings down by half.  It is actually harder than it sounds. Right now I am up from about 400 to between 750 and 850 and it is freaking HARD! Twilight zone, alien abduction, call it what you want, it is so amazingly weird for me to be counting calories so religiously to get them UP.

I am going to shoot for the end of January to be up to 2000 per day and then goodbye pain in the a$$  Dolores! Maybe I will even have a farewell party! ..... Nah, nobody would come. It's like those office parties for a co-worker no one can stand and people show up only long enough to get the cake.

Well mayyybe if she hadn't been such a Miss Prissy Pants, there would be Balloons!

First of all to everyone, I hope you had a wonderful and blessed Christmas. I don't think I could have had a better Christmas. I played Santa once the kids fell asleep, cooked ALL Christmas dinner and even got the sea of loose gift wrap all wrangled into the trash! I am SO dang proud of myself.

Right now, I  am sitting at this computer just enjoying the sounds of a wonderful Christmas winding down. Jonah and Ben are sitting cross legged completely transfixed by a Tom and Jerry Christmas Special. And . they are NOT fighting!!! See, Christmas miracles DO happen!  

Daniel and Nathan are sitting in the huge pop up tent their Aunt Emeline sent them looking for Invisimals. Invisimals are these really cool little critters that kids get to "find" using a PSP (Play Station Portable) and a special camera thingy. (That is the technical term BTW) . The PSP was made possible thanks to  dad searching everywhere for a really good refurbished one   um I mean Santa.

I really love refurnished stuff. I mean stuff from Santa. OK OK Lets drop the act, the kids aren't listening anymore. I know some people might wonder about the reliability of refurbished stuff, but heck, if you want to get technical, pretty much everything we own is "refurbished" sooner or later. It's called having kids.

Toothbrush + lotion bottle + flush before mom or dad can dive for them = toilet refurbished (We have learned that Cary can swap out a toilet in 15 minutes flat).  Dishwasher + WAYYY to much soap and a wooden spoon crammed into the spinny thing ( boy I am FULL of technical terms today) = refurbished dishwasher. See? It's starting to become a theme... Let's do one more... Not that we have a shortage, I am just getting tired of typing... Desktop + glass of milk + 4 boys playing a really exciting online game = you guessed it ~ refurbished computer. We just figure we will get a head start with the PSP. AND it has the added bonus being WAY cheaper. Good thing Cary is good with a screwdriver and fixes electronics for a living. Just don't hand him a refurbished nail gun. You might be wondering why there is a boy or two pinned by the back of their shirts to the drywall with a 12 penny nail.

I was so excited to tell you all the great news, I forgot to tell you the other good news. Dr. Lo got my stomophagus to 18 mm! That means it is 3 mm ABOVE what we were shooting for! A normal esophagus is 15 to 25 mm and I am smack dab in the middle! Now how cool is that? AND I had my first salad!!! Greens never tasted so yummy, but I think next time I want a greek salad or one with lots of tomatoes! * happy sigh*  Am I sounding too much like an alien again? Cause if I am, I am at the point where I really don't mind.

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!

Art by Liz Lemon Swindle Copyright.

Thank you Thank you 

Thank you Lord. 

My 6 month post op PET scan came back clear.

 NO Cancer.

I was going to have a wonderful Christmas anyway, but this just makes it even better.  Not too shabby considering where we started !

Quite a few thing to write about today.

#1 still no PET scan results.

#2 'Nother procedure scheduled for this upcoming Tuesday. I really hope this will be the last one. Not that I don't love balloon animals, or even Dr. Lo and his staff...I'm just sayin'....

#3 Cary and I have made the conscious decision to be the least festive house on the block. We are opting for the "hope that bare Christmas tree that has sat in our living room  for two weeks gets at least ornaments thrown on it" look. It works for us.

#4 If I had a hypothetical friend who was nervous because that hypothetical person thinks I "found out" this person was hypothetically gay, I would have three things to say. Hypothetically.   A-hem...First, I lived in West Hollywood.  My gaydar is as tuned as they come.  I already knew.  Second, I understand the need for discretion in a conservative climate, but if this hypothetical friend thinks for one second I would even care I would be heartbroken. And finally, I would hope that this hypothetical person would finally learn that I pick those I love based on what is in their heart and how amazing they are, not who they choose to spend their life with. 'Nuff said.

#5 Cary and I just celebrated our 12th anniversary together.  We actually CHOSE to watch a sunset together ~ and it was actually romantic!!! How weird was that? We even went on a real date and everything. It.was.awesome. We found an a.mazing Greek restaurant near Ynez and Jefferson in Temecula called, imagine this, The Greek Place.  If you are close you gotta check it out.

#6 still no stitching Delores back in, Ben had the flu the day we went up to LA, so we could not in good conscious ask someone to watch him. Poor baby made the trip with us and waited in the car during the PET scan. I just couldn't ask him to wait several MORE hours while I was in the ER.

#7 Ben had his kindergarten program yesterday. He was WONDERFUL.  We were singing on the way home and he told me I was singing Jingle Bells all wrong. I was supposed to go "one horse SOAPS and SWAYS.". We have been singing it that way ever since. It is much more fun.

#8 Cary and I have finally figured out a cheap labor source to keep our house clean (ish).  We pay the kids wages to do different chores (Oh we are brilliant). Twenty-five cents to unload a dishwasher has never been more worth it. We always used to say we would never pay our kids to do chores because that is part of being a family. We also used to say we would never let the TV babysit our kids. Or allow them to have candy. Or bathe in the same water as the kid before. Or pass a holiday without putting up decorations so our kids would always remember it how festive it was. Or my favorite, never ALLOW our kids to get cavities. Need I go on at this point? We have learned that we should never say never. It is just dangerous. Like throwing down the gauntlet to God.

It fell! I promise!!!!!