I was a bit down in the mouth yesterday, so I didn't write anything for the blog. I was just having a nice pity party, missing my boys and my hubby, missing my dog and my bed (Hmmmm I should turn that into a country western song.... ). All I got done was unpack my stuff and take a shower. I didn't leave the apt all day, just sulking and feeling very sorry for myself.

Today I woke up and still wanted to do the same, but I knew it just was terrible to do when I have SO many blessing coming my way. I missed going to church a lot today, as I really felt I needed the uplift-ment it has to offer,  but I did read my scriptures and thought about the incredible gifts God has given me.

I have just an amazing close and extended family, my friends are dear to my heart, I have more prayers coming my way than I could even count, I swear I can actually feel the tumor is shrinking, I am in a safe and beautiful area to receive this treatment, my doctors and nurses are among the best in the entire WORLD, my boys are well taken care of, and I just needed to get off my tushy and be grateful. With those ponderings, I felt it was really necessary to apologize to my Heavenly Father.  After that,  it was just impossible to stay down in the mouth.

Thank you again my dear family and friends, for all your prayers. I really am thankful for them.

I got out of bed, got dressed, and went for a walk to explore the neighborhood. I am so glad I did. I got to see the LA marathon runners go right by me! I also got to see many cute shops and restaurants as well. I found the local post office and grocery store and even found a couple good short cuts to the hospital.  It is only about a 15 to 20 minute walk to the cancer center, so if I am at all feeling up to it, I want to walk as much as I can. Even if I had a car around here, parking is just terrible, so I would probably end up walking still!

tired, but its all good

Cary came up to help me move from the hotel into the apartment. I really really needed him and am SO thankful he came up to help. I was not feeling well all morning,  it was nice just to lay there like a lump and have hubby do it all. I kinda felt bad, as all the trips we have ever taken before this, I was in charge of packing. He was an absolute trooper though and handled it like a pro. I didn't lift a finger.

I am missing my little ones like crazy right now and since Ben had scarlet fever and I didn't do so hot with that silly infusion thing, I can't come home this week. I am holding up, as are my boys, but man I miss them and they are having a rough time as well. I won't be able to see Carly off either, which kinda stinks, considering how much she has done for me and our family. From the bottom of my heart my sweet Carly, I thank you. ( that just doesn't seem to even come close to covering it does it?)

The apartment is just lovely. It is on the third floor of a gated Mediterranean style villa, and overlooks a very nice pool.  It is right off Santa Monica Blvd in the hills of West Hollywood. I am just  SO grateful to be in a nice, comfortable and SAFE place during all this.  I have to catch myself all the time when I think thoughts of "Oh the kids would just love this!" No kids allowed. :(   I told Nathan that and he was dumbfounded. He asked " But WHY would here be a place that doesn't allow kids?!"  I replied that I had  NO idea because kids bring the joy into an otherwise boring place!

Case and point, the other day Nathan was CONVINCED Carly's dog Grrr was a robot dog impostor that had stolen Carly's phone.  He kept poking this poor dog with a stick until it was finally revealed that Nathan had been the last one to play with said phone and it and it had fallen under the couch cushions.... Now I ask you, where can you EVER find that in a world without kids?!

I ate solid food today! ( well, sort of. It was really overcooked Ramen noodles. I was so happy I could just have danced all over the room - if I hadn't worried about the nausea thing coming back. That means the tumor is shrinking already! And BEFORE my esophagus swells from the radiation! WOOO HOOO, the chances of me not having to get a portacath or a feeding tube just jumped through the roof!

At radiation today, the group was talking about how fast radiation seems to go once you get started on it. I don't know about that one yet. It seems like I have been away from my boys forever  and a day and it has only been a week and a half. I miss them so much. I just comfort myself in knowing that once I get better they will have to PRY me away from my boys at their mission farewells/college send offs/weddings.

To my 10 year old~don't worry dear, I will hang around you so much you will beg me to PLEASE stop  LONG before you reach your 16th birthday - watch and see!  I do love and miss you my son. Now go do your homework! ( OK, maybe not so secret of a message, but I gave you a message! : D  ) I love you!

 daniel and his mommy when he was 3 years old

6 down 22 more to go

Sixth radiation treatment today. It was nicer because hubby came up to see me. poor guy, he is asleep right now as he hadn't slept in 20 something hours. Its just nice to hear him snoring. I'm some sort of a weirdo I know, but I miss that. 

I am feeling relatively better today, still a bit sick, but at least I am keeping my lunch where it aught to be... Too bad I gotta dose myself up again on about an hour with more chem. Can I just say blech?!

I had to laugh at Cary today, he got to meet all the people I hang out with each morning in radiation. Handlebar mustache guy told hubby to make sure I have that smile cause I seemed to have misplaced it yesterday. Cary didn't miss a beat and said, "Oh I know right where it went. She put it in the toilet with the rest of her breakfast.".

How true, how true :)

On the home front, sweet little Carly told me that a leprechaun turned the boys milk green this morning and the three younger ones spent all morning looking for "the tricky little guy". She also made them green cupcakes for lunch. Can I just say - yet again ~ how much I love that little girl!? It is SUCH a huge comfort to know my boys are healthy and happy. Every time I call to talk to them I hear all the wonderful chaotic sounds a house with four boys and a dog can offer. I love it.

what doesnt kill ya....

9
What was that saying, what doesn't kill ya will cure ya, or was that the other way around? I had my first chemo infusion yesterday. Everything was fine until after the infusion was nearly over.  Then, So so so not fun. The toilet and my face were re-acquainted, my arm is STILL tender from where it swelled all up, and ..."SNAP!!!"   OWWW!!!!...(that was that complaint button I told you about....)

Hey I was very proud of myself that I hadn't lost any weight (Whoa that STILL too  is freaky to me) AND I only took a cab once today to the hospital when I felt REALLY lousy - the rest of the time, I walked! I am really trying hard to do everything the doctors order, but with the nausea it is getting kinda hard. I am sticking to it though.

I am making all sorts of friends at the cancer center. Most of the patients there are just struggling through this like I am, but it is nice to know we are not alone. One sweet gentleman that has a great waxed handlebar mustache, has a wonderful full voice, and sings his answered to the nurses, asked where that big smile from last week went. When I told him I just had my first infusion , everyone there just understood. I showed him a pic of my boys and he showed me pics of his grand kids.

I brought big pics of all the kids and put them on my desk to help keep me motivated to do what I am supposed to, even when all I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry. Luckily, I  haven't done that yet. (Hey, I STILL might just do that, I am just saving it til the right time...)

Somehow, this just seemed to fit today...

wonderful being with the boys

I am SO proud of myself! Ok, so I didn't get everything done that I wanted to, but I did get a good portion of it and I helped Nathan put together his roller coaster! It is one of those K'nex ones that has about a kajillion pieces. All the boys started out helping, but quickly got bored and left one by one until it was just me and Daniel. To tell you the truth, that was really ok. A kajillion pieces and mischievous little bored boys do NOT mix. I have had such fun watching them play with the finished project though.

I was tired this weekend and moved slowly, but I wasn't in a lot of pain and I wasn't all that nauseous (relatively)!
 Gotta run, my ride to LA will be here any minute. Love you all!

short one today

 I got a lot accomplished...again, by my standards I should say.  Daniel and I packed up the toy room. I started out by having all the boys help, but several fights and a bloody scratch later, I decided it was best to keep it simple. I also was able to get some errands done (with Cary's help of course) AND I packed up the hall closet. I am SO ready for bed tonight and I think Carly was right. I think I pushed just a little too hard today. I am ever so sick tonight. BAD Stacey BAD! I just have to make sure I know what my priorities are. I think I misplaced them today. I am trying to figure the whole thing out and have decided that enjoying my boys has to take precedence while I am home. I just stress because Cary has so much on his plate and I desperately want to relieve him of at least some small part. Decisions, decisions...

home today!

3-8
I am not sure if they realize the significance of it, but the two orderlies that work in radiation are named Tom and Jerry. ~ And the really funny part? Tom has gray hair...I have to try really hard not to giggle imagining them dropping anvils, whacking with fly swatters and generally just trying to outsmart each other each day at work. I CAN'T be the only one who noticed that....

I am officially nauseous  A LOT now. I got a new prescription, so hopefully that will help, but I really dread taking those stupid pills each time. That and even cut into smaller pieces, they always get stuck on the way down. Gotta talk to the doc about that on Monday. 

After I was all done today, I was so excited to see my boys  pull over to pick me up! If I hadn't been so sick to my tummy, I would have just done a little jig. The ride home was funny in a sick sort of way. The little ones kept asking the classic question " Are we THERE yet?!" , we had to break up several squabbles over ridiculously unimportant things, we had to get them to lower the volume a few decibels...and I loved it. We stopped at "the spaghetti factory " on the way home where Ben declared in no uncertain terms he was saving his meal for Carly... He is such a sweetie. She chose not to come - probably because she has been that car ONE too many times on trips with her brothers to know better than to step into THAT lions den. I think Cary was wishing he could have stayed home too...

On the way to come get me, Jonah was enjoying a blue push pop when he started INSISTING he was car sick. Cary quickly pulled over, but not before Jonah lost a little bit of his lunch in a plastic bag. - hey at least it was in a bag !- Jonah kept saying "I SO sick..." . Cary took a long time trying to get that under control, bless his heart, and knew it was safe to go when Jonah said brightly out of the blue " Look Dad, my tongue is blue!". 

I just love my boys.

This sign reminded me of  them somehow...

two down...

7

Second treatment today. I have decided that the radiation zapper thingy (that's the scientific name by the way) looks more like a car tire stuck to a spatula with a reeeeaaaly fat handle, than a ping pong paddle.  Just thought I would clarify...

I had a lovely day with the mom in law. I kinda pooped out on her though. We went to a nice little shopping area called The Grove ( no I didn't buy anything, just window shopped, I don't think they like poor people in those kinds of stores...), and went to the Cheesecake Factory. It didn't even bother me that I was in THE CHEESECAKE FACTORY and didn't eat a single bite of cheesecake! I found out they actually had a couple of things there I could eat! Hummus, sans bread,  and a peach smoothie. SUCH a nice break from ham in a jar with an oddly grinning baby on it... (I am really beginning to dislike that kid).

Then we meandered through the farmers market, then went to the church distribution center there by the temple. It was really a pretty day for that, but by the end I was really not feeling well and had to go back to the car for a break...

Hey, when you can't have chocolate, you get desperate...

Started treatment today!

First, on the home front:

I guess what we had been talking about - and talking about - and talking about.... hadn't quite registered with my boys as well as we thought. Little Jonah asked last night, "Where's Mom?". Without missing a beat, Ben nonchalantly said, "She's dead." .


It took a lot of comforting and calls as well as a "daddy talk" to get THAT one straightened out...*sigh*

Today officially marks the first day of me getting better! I started Chemo pills first ~ and made sure I took my anti nausea meds BEFORE I took the chemo~ then was zapped with radiation, then more chemo pills.

The radiation was an interesting experience let me tell you... After I checked in, I went into this little changing room and stripped  from the waist up.

( duh duh daaa dum...  ) 

I can honestly say though, it WAS NOT sexy in the least. They had hospital gowns waiting, and not the ones that show your butt either! These actually opened on the side and had lots of overlap.  Very nice for shy little violets such as myself....ah hem... (DANG IT!!!!! no flashing!!!!!)

One inside the treatment room, I was ready for anything, but nothing hurt, in fact, I couldn't feel a thing. I laid on a table with my arms over my head while a big ping pong paddle looking thing that just kept hovering around me. I felt like I was at Disneyland in one of those simulation rides, except the ride was moving, but I wasn't. The guys helping me were very nice, but man , it was a bit disconcerting when they all dove for cover and shut this HUGE foot thick door before the machine started up. I guess having future children must have been important to them...

So for now, I am done for the day. I have made all  my appointments,  finished all my phone calls, read my scriptures, made all my notes and I  am off to to take a nap. I am pooped.