I am writing two posts today. This one is a bit different.

Look at this beautiful thing. 

It was entered into a contest sponsored by Nikon and won
11th place.

I hate it. I mean REALLY hate it. But I can't look away at the same time. It is a picture of 2 cancer cells getting ready to turn into 4.

What I WISH it was...  I wish it was a pic of some really cool (harmless) crystalline life form that only Spock could talk to. I wish there was no such thing except in some Trekkies wish list from an online auction he/she could never afford.

I am especially frustrated about this today because of a blog.  A blog I don't normally read, but the author of stark. raving. mad. mommy which is a blog I DO read and is in fact posted as one of my favorites, guest blogged.

This blogger (not SRMM ~  the Pajamas and Coffee one) swears a whole lot more than I do, so I keep it as a guilty little secret I visit when I think no one is looking. I read SRMM, on the other hand, all the time. She is my morning fix.  She doesn't know me from Adam. But I pretend to know her because I get her. And she is funnier than h-e- double toothpick. But today I wanted to punch a wall over something she wrote. Today she wrote about finding a lump in her breast. Yeah, it may be a cyst, but I remember that waiting. The wondering. That worry. I SO do not envy her in this stage.

I have listened, prayed, and cried as SO many wonderful people have been affected by this horrible disease. So many I love. Every time it brings back that horrid day when I first found out.

The doctor had told me I needed to come in as soon as possible about the results of all the testing I had been doing. It was SUCH a busy and hectic day, so I asked if my hubby should come in with me. They actually told me that it was my choice. This is the thought that ran through my brain.

"Well it must not be too bad, just heartburn crap and how to treat it, SO relieved it isn't anything serious...  soooo... I'll just add it to my list of stuff to get done today and let the hubby get his honey-do list done. Glad all that worrying crap is over."

BAD mistake. She sat me down in that freaking FREEZING examination room and basically told me I not only have cancer, but I have a kind I should never have. A kind that affects smokers, drinkers, and men over 65.  A particularly aggressive and nasty kind where the mortality rate hovers around 80 to 85 percent within the first year. I later found out those were the really overly optimistic numbers.

I think I kept it together until I got out to the parking lot. I sobbed, I mean really sobbed, for over an hour. Then I had to drive home. Alone. My husband stayed on the phone with me -and yes honey I did hear you swearing under your breath at the doctor for not INSISTING someone ANYONE come in with me - and I yes I heard you swearing at yourself for not going no matter what you stubborn wifey-poo said. And yes, I did swear at myself for not listening to you.  And yes I am grateful you were by my side at every major appointment after that and even most of the not so major ones.

On that long drive home ( it was really only about 10 miles, but it seemed more like 10 thousand), I dryly observed that my sobs sounded a lot like my deep belly laughs - only upside down. I think that was when I determined I was NOT going to let this monster beat me.

And I haven't. So far, with Gods help, I have defied all the odds, in fact I think I made my own odds up as I went. It made me happier. It's a good thing I didn't see the documentary Crazy Sexy Cancer BEFORE  did all my treatments, or the hubby might have seen some weird stuff going on.

As it ended up , yes I have pain in the butt crap  -like that rouge feeding tube- but nothing that is life threatening anymore. Once in awhile I do get scared about remission, but I can't let that rule my life. I go forward now,  grateful for every second, even the hard ones. Belly-aching, pain, annoyances - they all mean I am alive. And I will never take that for granted again.

I found some stuff I wrote LONG before I had cancer.
I wrote this one soon after Sept 11th 2001.

In moments of crisis,

we don’t call up

our nice furniture

to make sure it's OK

Or rush to hug our cars

a little tighter,

Or wish to spend

just one more

last
precious moment

with our pretty clothes.

May history remember me

not by the clothes I wore

the houses I lived in

or the money I had

but by

the hugs I gave,

the hurts I mended

and the kites I flew.
By Stacey Clark 

What is that old saying, "true friends are like diamonds precious but rare"... I used to take that sort of thing for granted ~ SO busy with the hub bub of making sure this kid had that thing ready, or the oven had SOMETHING in it for dinner, or the dishes had to be put away or cards for every kid in the boys classes had to be finished, or heck even bread had to be baked (yes I baked my own bread and yes I was insane).

Friday I  had a lovely afternoon. We were able to go visit some very dear friends down south in beautiful Escondido. You know, they are only about 40 miles away yet we didn't get down there nearly often enough. It seems so much further than that and I don't really know why.  Both sets of boys (mine and hers) get along beautifully and I truly enjoy just visiting with everyone in the whole family. I have decided I need to make sure I take the time for the things that really count in this life. Friendships are one of those "counting" things.

There are lots of  things that "count". The great part is, your list might be different than mine. I challenge each of you to first imagine that you only have a short time to live ~ but then are granted a reprieve. Now grab a pen and write your "count list".

Here is just a tiny portion of mine.

*kissing owies that kids swear will make their arm fall off (or so it seems with all the dramatic screaming)  so they can go back to fighting with their brothers.
*watching the look on your kids face when you say you are so proud of them
*snuggling with your child until that bad dream gives way to peaceful sleep.
*watching Saturday morning cartoons with your kids even though you can not stand Dinosaur King, Yu Gi Oh, or the millionth episode of Sonic X and can't get that STUPID theme song out of your brain
*figuring out how to reassemble Legos for the 7 millionth time.
*letting your little one tenderly  "help" you up the stairs when it would be much easier to cling to the railing
*the wonderful things kids say that make grown ups sputter a lot, bite their lip, turn away,dip their face or cover their mouth really fast. Me~  I'm a combination mouth cover-er and face dipper.
*David and Goliath skits
*touching your sweethearts face to your forehead
*holding hands
*making sure your siblings know you love them- after all- WE were the ones who used to fight and get the owies...
*calling just to hear your parents voice
*calling just to hear your sweethearts voice ~ even though he only ran to the store a minute ago
*watching the kids wash the car - and themselves - and the driveway- and the  neighbors lawn- and the sidewalk- and the (imagine the print getting smaller and smaller , fading off into the distance)...

To me things that count ~ well, they have always centered around family, but lately have shifted a bit. No more homemade bread.

I'm OK with that.

Dates are not right on these pics, 

I had a possessed camera at the time and it put what ever date it wanted...

just getting started

First of all , to all those who have the need to make sure they are in the right place, this is Chemistry 101. We will start out by learning that Chemistry is the study of matter. Like physicists, chemists study the fundamental properties of matter and they also explore the interactions between matter and energy.




*snicker*.... I really am evil at heart...




Actually, I am here to help all those who know and love me (blush)  keep up with what is going on as I battle this yucky thing called cancer without calling each and every one of you. Now , don't get me wrong, I would LOVE to visit with each of you and see how everyone was doing , and ask about your kids and and your cats and the job, I really love that kind of stuff. But unfortunately I just can't. (DANG I hate time limitations and lack of energy!....) I will do my best to update this as often as I can, or perhaps even have someone do that for me when I am unable.

Here goes....




In October of 2009, My hubby rushed me to the emergency room when I choked on a mouthful of rice. I never stopped breathing, but I did start throwing up blood. Now, just a hint, if that ever happens, it's NOT a good thing... Lots of tests and 2 months later, I was diagnosed with esophageal cancer . We didn't know the stage yet, so, we went to a Dr Simon Lo with Cedars Sinai. Came back as stage T3 M1 .

Basically what that means is that it has broken through the walls of the esophagus and has entered the lymph nodes. The tumor is too big to operate on right now, but chemo and possibly radiation should shrink that puppy down to size. Once it gets more operable, I will have have the pleasure of having my whole esophagus and the upper portion of my tummy removed... I will spare you the details for now, 'cause it is particularly nasty.

I do have to tell all of you that fasted and prayed for me, I did get the doctors I needed even though the insurance company was being a butt-head about it. (Can I say butt-head on a family blog? Ah well, its MY blog, I can even say "Poop" if I want! .... I'm SUCH a potty mouth).

I do have to give kudos to the staff of Dr. Lo, Dr.Soukiasian AND the medical director of Cedars Sinai! They really went to bat for me and I will be forever grateful for that. The insurance wasn't budging, so by a pure MIRACLE we found a loophole. I am simply changing my primary care physician to one at Cedars!

But I digress. Once I recover from that operation, I will go in for more chemo to get the last traces of this little monster. I understand I will have to learn how to eat again ( fun! ~ sarcasm for those who missed that) , will have a feeding tube for WWWAAAYYY too long, and ...
I WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO EAT CHOCOLATE AGAIN IN MY WHOLE LIFE!!!! :(

*sigh... I suppose I can learn to live with that if it means I get to see my babies grow up.

I aint a' lyin' ~ I got a heck of a road ahead of me, but I am actually more worried about my husband and my sweet children.

For those of you locally, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for all you are doing and all you have offered to do. I am working with Cleo Garcia with the French Valley Ward to coordinate the things like meals, rides to the doctor, taking my kids to or from school, babysitting, and even helping my kids with their homework.

Seriously, my dear and wonderful friends, if you are local, please ~ we will need your time. We are trying to split it up into small blocks so that MOST of the sign ups will only take an hour or so. We DO NOT have definite time frames yet, but as soon as we get them, I will post them and make sure Cleo has them as well so she can start filling in all the time slots. Hey, if it's one thing we Mormons are good at , its getting organized on a big ol' scale.

If you are farther away and just REALLY feel the need to help, my sister has set up a website that will help us with everything from moving expenses (yup we gotta move in April) to the extra co-pays and gas we will use. Again to the local friends, your TIME is much more valuable to us.

For right now, Cary's beautiful oldest daughter, Carly is here staying with us. She has been SUCH a God send. She will have to leave the end of March to join her husband in New York, but until then , I am just so happy/grateful/appreciative to have her help (bit of an understatement I might add...).

So that's the story. Now I just want to share a bit of wisdom with all of you...




Please try to remember that now...